Your Family Should Have a Show

One families stories in all their disfunctional glory


Going it Solo

So recently my sister, Auntie Know-it-All, spent her disposable income on an ancestry DNA kit. Working under the assumption that her and I share all the same DNA, which is what my mother claimed, the results told me everything I thought I knew about my heraldry. Specifically that I was born of parents whose parents, and their parents, and their parents, ad nauseam, all came from Europe.


While this was, in my putting-kids-through-college-while-looking-for-change-in-the-seats to-eat-off-the-dollar-menu opinion, a waste of money, it has brought us hours of laughter. That you cannot put a price on.

Ann: “Those tests are a scam. It’s like a saliva crystal ball con.”
Kire: “You’re very cynical. They can tell you so much you didn’t know. Like it says here my Irish ancestors were from Munster, Ireland.”
Olympia (Age 19): “Monster Island, isn’t that where Godzilla is from.”
Kire: “Munster not Monster.”
Olympia: “You realize you’re just saying the same word twice.”
Kire: “It also says I’m 5% Jewish.”
James (Age 15): “That’s great! Now I can get that Oakland Raiders yamika I’ve wanted and wear it for our school holiday show.”
Ann: “You can’t just wear a yamika. There’s a whole religious process you have to follow.”
James: “Alright, then I’m out.”
Kire: “That show is still going to happen? It’s already January. I figured you finally grew out of it.”
James: “This is my last year. Only now it’s being held in February and it’s not a holiday show but a “Celebrate America Show”.
Olympia: “I don’t even understand what that means but I’m assuming there is no more singing Maria Cariah’s “All I Want for Christmas” which is the only reason to perform in that show in the 8th grade.”
James: “I was up for a solo but they told me my voice was too raspy.”
Olympia: “I call shenanigans. You never tried out for a solo.”
James: “Are you calling me a liar?”
Kire: “How do they expect you to get into the School for the Performing Arts without a solo? We are going down there and get you that part like good helicopter parents.”
James: “That’s not funny! Do you think that’s a joke?”
Kire: “I thought saying we were helicopter parents was pretty funny.”
James: “Oh, I thought you said holocaust parents. I lost family in that thing… probably. What about the last 5%?”
Ann: “Last 5% of what?”
James: “Of the DNA test. It only adds up to 95%.”
Olympia: “That means we can make up our own ethnicity.”
James: “I’m just adding more Jewish.”